The new and medicated me

I love being able to go back and read how I can be. I am significantly happier now. Today is my 3 year anniversary with my husband and I am so happy to be his wife. Everything in life is looking up... for me anyway. I got a new job and in less than a year I got a promotion. Even though I am happy deep down I am still sad. October of last year is when we started trying to start a family. A whole year has gone by and still nothing. With this raise we are going to put it on hold for a year then maybe I will get tested. Fingers crossed I get pregnant because we stopped trying.

What's wrong

I wish I.knew what was wrong with me... I'm not me... I haven't been myself. I can't stop the tears. I can't cure the pain. I just wish I was myself again.
I have been sick for the past 3 weeks. I haven't drank so much pepto in the past months than I have my entire life. I'm tired of getting out of bed in the morning, I'm tired of driving to work.
Dave and I are good. Or so I think. I.don't even know anymore. I'm tired of trying to figure it out and make everyone happy.

Hidden

How does one hide their feelings from another? Even when you want them to know and hope they feel the same way.

Pretty

Day one

Today is the first day of irritation. Everyone everywhere is annoying me and I can't help but bite my tongue.
I don't know. Does everything just go wrong. I'm just tired of dealing with people not caring.

Looking up

My thoughts are getting better. I'm not thinking so impure I'm actually feel happy.
But for some reason I still hope to be hit by a tractor trailer. To free me from this day, this pain, this body, these thoughts, this mind.

Full moon

I don't wear my seatbelt because I'm ok if I die. It's not that I want to die or would kill myself or harm anyone. But I'm at that point where I've accepted death and I don't have much going for me. Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them.
Life is a never ending battle.
A battle that I'm done getting ready for, and fighting for.

Date night

Went out on our first date of the year! Woop Woop! It was very nice. Then when to movies with my brother and his family.
I miss days like that. Where he shows that he really cares. I feel like I try so hard to look so good and he turns the other way.

Hubby

I think I'm at that point in my marriage where "sleeping together" means, moving closer to each other in bed.

Kristle

Last night went well. Work was interesting. Told katie about how I think I'm emotionally cheating on Dave and hear kristle is doing the same thing but different. With the same person as me. Except he guy is married as well mine isn't. But it made me feel much better, that I'm not alone. She said that this guy fills what her husband doesn't. Actually tells her she is pretty and talks to her and knows more about her than her husband. My situation is a little more difficult and different but I will take it and feel better.

Empty

Not feeling much of anything right now. I just finished my sub and I need to get back to school but I can't quite move yet. Let me just rest my head for a little while?

Death on a toilet.

On Friday I was cleaning up my favorite resident and he fell off the toilet to his knees. I tried to pick him up but he was very big. The LPN came in and we laid him on the ground slowly and rested his head on a pillow. When the RN came we rolled him over on his back and pronounced him dead. This was very hard to deal with. They think he had a heart attack. We (the staff) were his family.
I miss him so much and blame myself for his death.
It was hard to watch a DNR take his last breaths and be able to do nothing.

Unhappy

I need someone to talk to and I'm not quite sure if I have anyone. My hearts not at ease, I have impure thoughts, and in every scenero, I'm still unhappy. I think I'm emotionally cheating on my husband.

Ok, so should this be a little about me?

     I guess i just wanted somewhere to write everything. i always feel bad telling my husband how unhappy i am. i promise that it has nothing to do with him it just everything that i have going on in my life and i feel like i keep taking on more and more. i wasn't always this depressing person. i used to be called smiley now im called, grumpy.
     my husband is my best friend and i tell him everything but i am such a paranoid person and am starting to feel like maybe i shouldn't be telling him everything. he truly is the best thing that could have happened to me.
     so why am i unhappy? you got me? my depression started two years ago. I've been on and off meds for it right now currently on. and i think that need to up it. maybe its just what i believe in and how i take everything everyone says to heart? or all the stress in my life i dont know? maybe this economy really just sucks ass right now and it really is affecting me.
      I have no social life, I'm a full time college student working full time and before that was working two jobs and before that was working two full time jobs and planing a wedding. i just want to delete this whole thing and say screw it. im not sure what im looking to get out of the 'blogging' thing. i thing. i think every time i want to rant i might just do it on here. or if i have a random question it will end up on here.  so we will see.

curiousity

if you leave an unused tampon in your pocket and you wash your pants can you still use that tampon?

update?

so once again here i am wondering why? why do i hate? I get on facebook and all i read are a bunch of fake people talking about how awesome their lives are. life sucks ass. here i am busting my ass trying to get through school and go to work not knowing what it for dinner and you want to say the you life is tough? you have no idea! now mind you the person that said that their life is tough is my sister. the 19 year old with a husband and a 1 year old who still lives at home. right now her life is as easy as life will ever come. so dont take that for grantie. because it wont be like that forever. im tired of feeling depressed all the time like im the only one out there and right now i am. but that is just..... wow.

tastefully simple no show

So I had a tastefully simple party yesterday. Yea appperently I'm a loser. My mom was the only person to show. Eventually daves family came late and drunk and my friends said they were "stuck". My boss said oh you should have called earlier I just put chicken on the grill. Yea right. Uh huh. Never again. I given everyone an order form and you can order anyway!

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people dying everywhere

So all of the resident are starting to die. Three so far. One is throwing up blood. Two more stopped eating. I hope after this we are done but I guess we will just have to wait and see. God bless irma, irene, and george.

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wish i COULD quit

Its not a matter of finding another job. Because I can do that. Prolly even making more. But will I like the work? Prolly not. Then why are you here? Job security. The only reason why anyone stays is because you are garunteed a job here. There will always be a need in the health care industry. So yea I can leave but I'm not garunteed a job forever.

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facebook

So I deleted all of my friends on facebook. Pretty exciting. I'm just getting tired of all the drama. Maybe I just expect too much. Its funny cause I really don't think anyone cares. If you read my facebook anyone would be able to tell how depressed I am and yet no one does anything about it. That's why I started to blog. Then nobody knows cause I know nobody reads this. Just writing into the emptiness of cyber web.
I know that if I died today no true tears would be shed. Just the fake people with their fake tears and there dumb drama. I would never actually kill myself but it is always on my mind. I guess that's not too normal, huh? I guess that's why I'm supposed to be on meds. Dave thinks its just me that thinks no one likes me. Paranoia... meds. I'm just tired of being on meds. Escpecially when the make me gain weight. Yea maybe if it helped me lose weight Id actually take it.

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